Disconnect
by Ericka Jane
Summary: His little brother is a grown man, a man that Dean's proud of. So as much as he hates it he knows what Sam has to do. 5.22 spoilers, just some Dean insight.


Disclaimer: I own a lot of things but sadly Supernatural isn't one of them. In retrospect, my lack of ownership is probably in the best interest of everyone, especially our two very hot leading men.

Warnings: spoilers, angst, language, lack of beta, shortness. Just the usual suspects, really.

* * *

_"Here we are again with handguns for hearts,  
They had a master plan, wanted to tear us apart.  
Nothing to hold, all hope deleted  
Our demise has been completed now,  
Nowhere left to go but…  
Down._

_The flames of hell they give me hope,  
I drown."_

-Alkaline Trio, 'Prevent This Tragedy'

* * *

**Disconnect **

When Sam first brings it up, Dean's knee jerk reaction is to yell. For as long as he can remember, fear, concern, and pain have always come out as anger, and listening to Sammy talk about saying "yes" definitely falls into the 'fear' and 'concern' category. So he gets mad. Sam's idea isn't an option. No way is he going to sit back and watch Sam jump into hell so that he can save this literally God forsaken planet. Not to mention the whole Lucifer thing and the fact that it's almost guaranteed to backfire. There's just no freakin' way.

Then Dean ends up staying awake the whole night, trying not to think about how it's the only way.

He thinks about Bobby, Cas, Lisa, Ben, and the hundreds of people they've saved over the years, and wonders what kind of Winchesters they'd be if they let them all die. What kind of Winchester would _Dean_ be? Then he thinks of their dad and wonders what he would've done. He would've torn apart the world to find another way first but when push came to shove, he would've let Sam do it. He would've let Sam say yes. And Dean would've hated him for it and then he would've begged Sam not to. That would be in another life, one where John Winchester was still alive and the whole world wasn't crushing his sons' shoulders.

In this life, Dean has to let go of his little brother and it's impossible, and it hurts. It hurts so bad that Dean is reminded of what it feels like to be ripped to shreds by hell hounds. But he knows that he has to, just like Sam had to let him go when his deal was up. His little brother is a grown man, a man that Dean's proud of. So as much as he hates it, he knows what Sam has to do.

As soon as he's set in his decision to get behind Sam's plan he's thinking of a way to get Sam back out of the cage. Dean's been to hell, he knows what's there, and he can't imagine how much _worse_ it's going to be for his little brother. He resolves that even if he has to march into hell himself, Sam is going to come back to earth. There is no other option.

But then Sam brings up that damn promise and he's just unable to say no. As much as he wants to, he just can't. If they had kept some of their promises in the beginning maybe none of this would've happened. So God help him, he's going to do what Sam's asked him to do. Even though he knows it's going to hurt like hell.

It's the most terrifying couple of hours of his life. He thought he was scared when the clock was ticking on his deal but it's nothing compared to seeing your brother prepare to let Lucifer possess him. It's the not knowing that really has his nerves tangled. He doesn't know if Sam is going to win or not, or if the world is going to be burning the next day. He doesn't know if he is ever going to see Sam again and that's the worst part.

As it turns out the wait isn't long at all, forty seconds at the most. Right after Sam says "yes," Lucifer is at the helm, and Dean knows that it's over. Sam's gone.

It's easy after that.

"You're going to do something stupid, you got that look."

To most people it would be stupid. Walking right up to the Devil with no plan other than to reach his vessel or die trying isn't exactly a prime example of smart. Dean doesn't care. If Sam is going to die then Dean is going to die too. It's the way it should've been from the beginning. They fight together; they go down together.

"_Sammy? Sammy? It's okay, I'm here. I'm not going to leave you."_

It almost works. Dean kinda wishes it had. He could feel the bones break and crack in his face and he knew it would only take a few more hits, and it'd be over. But they stopped. He doesn't know how he did it but Sam snatched the wheel from Lucifer, long enough to do what he needed to do to save the world. Long enough to save Dean.

Dean was prepared to die and he thought he was prepared to let Sam go, but it only took a split second to realize that he was nowhere near ready. For better or for worse, Dean's a big brother, and the big brother inside him wanted to grab Sam from the edge of that hole, and cut and run. Screw the rest of the world, hell can't have his little brother. It doesn't help that Sam looks so damn scared. But they're Winchesters, they're pretty much always scared, it's never stopped them before. It's not going to stop them now.

The last look Sam gives him cuts so deep Dean feels like he could've actually bled. It's a mirror image of the look he gave Sam two years ago when the clock hit midnight. It should be hard to convey everything important in one look. Everything from _'remember what you promised,_' to _'I'm going to be ok; _you're_ going to be ok_,' and last but not least, _'I still love you, jerk.'_ It should be hard but it's not. It just hurts.

Then it's over. If Dean had blinked, he would've missed it. One second Sam was in front of him and the next, he was going down, pulling Michael…pulling Adam, with him. It's just done and over, and no one in the world would even know what had to be sacrificed to end it. The injustice, the pain, and pure finality of it aches so badly that it almost outweighs his physical pain in his face. Suddenly, Dean wishes he had jumped into the hole too, wishes that he had followed his brothers down.

Goddamn little brothers and their stupid promises.

He crawls over to the unblemished earth that just swallowed his family whole and sobs over it, as if somehow it will bring him closer to the things that he just lost. He doesn't feel closer; in fact, he's never felt so far away. It's his worst nightmare re-visited, only this time, there's no crossroads demon in the world, no angel in heaven, who will make it right. All he has left is the suffocating pain in his chest and a promise he has to make good on and he will, after he sits here a little longer. Just a little longer.


End file.
